Happy holidays everyone! Man have I got a lot of stories to tell you all. I apologize for my apparent inability to update a simple blog. I wish I could blame it all on the Chinese government and their heavy internet censorship but alas the only thing that has kept me from sharing my stories with all of you is my newfound love of illegal Chinese movie and music sites. So to my family, friends and two Canadian subscribers, I’m truly sorry and will try my best to update my blog on a regular basis.
Now the problem is where to start. There really is so much to say. I think I’ll start off by telling you about my recent adventures in Hangzhou’s very own Walmart. Yes, Walmart! What cultural insight does this offer any of you? Not much, probably. But it’s the closest thing I have to a Christmas story.
As you might all know, Christmas isn’t exactly celebrated in China. As you all brave the cold air to put up lights, shop for presents and to see those crazy extended family members just know that the only semblance of Christmas in China is found at Starbucks where a sign hangs that says, “Let’s Merry,” and a soundtrack that has been playing Christmas music since August continues to blast the velvet voices of Dean Martin and Bing Crosby on repeat.
All this aside, I am determined to celebrate Christmas the best and only way I know how—National Lampoon style. It was with this mindset that Jessica and I decided to go to the only Western mega store we know of in Hangzhou to buy ourselves a Christmas tree.
The plan was simple. After my Chinese lesson (yes, I’ve been taking Chinese now for a few weeks and can say exciting things like I want a coffee) she and I would walk over to Walmart, buy a plastic tree and some decorations and then get on the bus for the hour ride back to school.
Well, part of the plan went well. We got to Walmart a.o.k. and made a beeline for the Christmas aisle. I was in heaven. Cheap, plastic, Christmas decorations lined the shelves. Each one screaming, “I will make you feel like you’re at home!” Jessica found some stockings for the two of us and the three other Americans in our building and made plans to decorate them for our doors.
In the meantime, I looked over the five plastic beacons of light that were the available Christmas trees. After much deliberation, I finally made up my mind and went to find a Walmart employee to help me purchase my tree. Well, I found the employee fairly easy but I for some reason, I couldn’t communicate the fact that I wanted him to follow me to my tree.
I clearly couldn’t understand what he was saying but he was determined to make me understand. Finally, I pulled out my Chinese language dictionary and turned to the word that meant “follow” gensui and pointed to the characters in my book. Success!
However, when we got back to the tree a big ladder was placed right above my tree, making it very difficult to check its price. So, being the super, duper assertive person that I am, I selected the ugly Charlie Brown tree farthest away from the ladder. Easy enough.
With my new Charlie Brown tree and a few more decorations in hand, I was ready to go. Not so for Jessica. She loved the fact that I was carrying a big, plastic tree around and kept “remembering” things that she wanted to see if this Walmart had. So there I was, bear-hugging a big plastic tree trying to keep up with Jessica who kept yelling back to me things like, “hold on just one more thing!” Followed by, “you know you love me.”
Finally, after a long tour of Walmart, we checked out and started off towards the bus station. This is the part of the story where I wish I had brought my camera. Jessica and I have gotten fairly used to getting started at but that tree in my arms changed the whole game. I guess they had never seen a tree-hugger before—ha! But in all honesty, jaws dropped, cameras were pulled out and children stopped what they were doing to point at the odd sight in front of them.
By the time we made it to the bus station, Jessica and I were nearly in tears because of how much we had been laughing. This was also where we ran into two of the other Americans from our building: Gary and Becky. They were quite pleased that we had gone to such lengths to get into the holiday spirit and we all made plans to decorate a few days later.
This is the part where things get a bit messy. As I have told you all before, the buses in China are CRAZY. As soon as a bus opens its doors to let people on, everyone pushes, shoves and does just about anything else you can imagine to get to that elusive, open seat. The first month or so, Jessica and I just laughed and passively let everyone in front of us get on. Now, three months later we get in on that action. Truly, just last week, Jessica “accidentally” stole a seat from a young child. Heartless you say? Well that child had “accidentally” elbowed me earlier to get to the seat before me.
Now, with my tree in hand, I was in no mood to fight. Attribute it to a touch of the Christmas spirit if you will, but in all honesty, I just knew that I couldn’t squeeze through the crowd as easily as I normally could. Therefore, Jessica and I made a plan. She would get on the bust first and then save a seat while I did my best to get on as quickly as possible. Gary and Becky were on their own.
Once the bus pulled up everyone pushed as expected. Jessica squeezed through the crowd and got on fairly early. This was good because my tree and I were caught in the hustle and bustle of people. It was absolutely ridiculous. All of the kind Chinese people who had sweetly smiled to me at the bus stop had gone into bus mode. I was surrounded on all sides. In my desperation I think I also said to myself, “Oh my God, I’m going to die!” A bit dramatic on my part but it did make me laugh at myself and the situation I was in.
I’ll admit it, I also might have used that tree to block some people out of the door. After all, it’s not my fault they didn’t bring their own tree. Finally, I squeezed through the bus door and walked over with my now more-crumpled tree to the bus bench to sit with Jessica. Success!
Today, that tree stands decorated in my dorm room. A fond reminder of my favorite holiday and the day Jessica and I carried a tree back to school.
